Safe from Myself
written at 1:08 pm on Friday, Aug. 01, 2003

Honesty bites. I don't know why I vowed to stay honest in this diary. It's kind of a stupid thing to do, now that I think about it. Because if I don't, I wouldn't have kept my promise. And if I can't keep my own promises with MYSELF, why should I expect others to keep their promises? So now I'm just rambling in a desperate attempt to get my point across without sounding like a total dipshit. Wish me luck. I hope my mom doesn't visit my site anymore.

Where to start? Oh yes, my brother is a domineering, egotistical asshole, as you have probably read here. He visits my personal website and complains about things I WROTE to my mother, not mentioning that I wrote it in secrecy and he had no right to go there. He even went as far as complaining about an "I hate Ajay" club (written here) which was written as an obvious joke. Either he understood that and wanted to get sympathy from my mother, or he is (and this is the most probable reason) just a slow fuckwit who beats me and abuses me physically and mentally and then wonders why I would suggest such a thing as hating my dear asswipe of a brother.

Dumbass.

He then musters up some fake tears (He's nearly the most insensitive creature on the planet, so he has to imagine that his Dungeon and Dragons books were burned before he can start crying.) and runs to Mommy, whinning, "Whhhyyy does she hatttteeee me??! *Sobbbbb*".

At this point, he has accomplished looking almost as hurt and depressed as his sister who has been suffering from depression for years due to HIS mental torment. Props to Ajay for being a good actor in this department. It's a shame he can't use this talent on stage (that's why he has lurked in THE BACK of the theatre department for his three years of high school, pretending like he didn't actually want a part). Now my mother is fully prepared to disregard anything I say or claim that Ajay did. Oh, silly child. All those years of being punched in the face and choked by your brother has just effected your brain. You don't really know what you're talking about!, thinks my mother, thanks to Ajay for setting her up for this.

CONGRATULATIONS, MOM! YOU HAVE JUST

VOLUNTEERED YOURSELF TO BE THE PAWN

OF AN ARROGANT ASS!

Like I said before, honesty sucks. It really just bites. But again with the forbidding vow. Ugh. I am being honest against my will, so if I receive any bad comments or emails, like I usually do when I open up, I will verbally kick your ass. Or get my friends to...

I cut myself once, a short while ago. Deep, deep, I know, but let me finish. I cut myself intentionally. And the truth is... never since Kara got here today (she hanging out with MY BROTHER), I have been wanting to cut myself again, more than ever... It's not my fault. HONESTLY. Ajay has just been completely disrespectful. He used my DVDs without asking, he made fun of me, he made fun of my website, and he cursed at me at least ten times since her arrival, calling me every name he could think of from dipshit to... Well, more vulgar things that I will not mention on this site. And I know that he will do anything else he wants to to prove himself to Kara. That's how it always was, and that's how it always will be. He will hit me, curse at me, abuse me, or barge into my room at any given moment and take what he wants.

It's times like this I want to cut myself. But in even more honesty, it's times like these that I wish more than ever... that my brother wasn't here. Not dead. He doesn't deserve to be able to die just like that. No. What I want, what I crave for, is for him to be sent to a mental institution, where he honestly belongs.

Because I'm afraid I'll get hurt. Not just from him beating me. But from him pushing me over the edge... and making me hurt myself.

Mom, if you actually care about me, I won't hate you for reading this from my website. And if you actually care, you'll believe every word of it, just like you believe every word Ajay says. And if you actually care, then I might not ask for a better home. One where I feel safe from myself. One that you obviously can't, or won't, provide.

Miss. Meggin

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