My Revolution
written at 3:12 pm on Friday, Jul. 11, 2003

I don't know everthing about depression. I don't know how long I've had it. I don't know how badly I have it. I don't know how long it will be until I finish getting better.

But I think I'm on my way.

I have almost always considered myself anti-social. I'm not a talkative person, and I don't find joy in surrounding myself by people. I guess I always fancied computers; there is always a reason for how they're acting, they don't back-talk, they aren't immature or annoying, they don't make me feel worthless, and they don't change personalities. What could go wrong?

I guess I always thought that when people discouraged me from spending so much time alone: What could go wrong? I had no idea that spending a little time alone would lead to mental tribulations and added stress for my friends and family. I thought I was better than perfectly normal. I thought I was above the normal. I was wrong. I'm not above social people. I'm just...different. I know I'm not the only one who acts like this. Of course not. People don't write entire self-help books on depression for just my use. A few months ago, this is where I would have added in some comment like "Of course they wouldn't do that. I'm worthless." Maybe I'm on my way to curing? I don't know. I mean, lately, when my family isn't around, I have found myself so happy. So of course I couldn't of had depression, right? Even though my doctor said so, depression can't be cured this quickly. There's no way.

So why am I so happy all of the sudden? Why do I find myself not checking my email every few hours? Why do I find myself wanting to surround myself with other people? And why don't I care what people think anymore?

I went to see a movie yesterday. (Don't worry. I'm not one of those stupid diaryland writers who just skip to a different subject. This is completely linked to the aforementioned predicament.) I went with an actual group. Of people I am not related to. Kara, Sarah, Chris, and Jacob. We saw Pirates of the Carribean, and to harmonize with the whole "piraty" (pardon my famously incorrect grammar) atmosphere, she wore a large pirate hat. Feather and all. During the movie I totally forgot about it, and when we walked back into the mall, I was startled to find people staring at us outlandishly. Then I remembered. And guess what happened for the first time in my entire life?

I didn't care what people thought. I cared about how I felt. Just me, and no one else.

So do you think this is some kind of revolution for me or something? I don't know what brought it on. Probably Kara. She's been so nice. Well, I'm still trying to figure it all out, and I am praying this isn't temporary. I never thought I would find myself saying, or writing this, but...I wanna be happy.

Miss. Meggin

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