To Be Honest
written at 5:47 pm on Monday, Jun. 30, 2003

I'm totally scared to write this entry. I'm afraid of people reading it and not liking it. I'm afraid of people not wanting to visit my site anymore. I'm afraid of telling my secret to strangers. I don't even know if this entry is going to stay up.

I have depression. And everyone hates me because of it. No, I'm not just putting myself down. People really do hate me because of it. It's because I get so irritated when people do the smallest things, even favors for me. Like today, I told my mom I DIDN'T want her to write my name on my waterbottle, and that I wanted to do it myself. Well, I did write my name on the cover of it, but not on the actual bottle.

So my mom writes it. AND I'M INFURIATED! She has no right to touch that! It's my personal property! What next, huh?!? Is she going to go through my room, organize everything!? Or better yet, is she going to write my name over everything I own!? I'm not a baby! I just want my space! I just want her to leave me alone. To stop asking me if I'm okay, to stop asking me if I've eaten and what I've eaten, stop buying me clothes that are two sizes too big, like she trying to tell me I'm fat. To stop trying to act like a teenager, stop trying to have intimate discussions with me, stop trying to buddy up with me! I am so tired. When I don't feel like I want to die, I want to be out on my own. I want to wake up and be in a different family; have a brother who doesn't abuse me and yet has everyone charmed; be beautiful; live in a bigger house; and most of all, have my privacy and a computer of my own. I want to be able to do the only thing that makes me happy; make people happy by sharing my HTML skills (which nobody else appreciates). And write. I want to write whenever I feel like it, not be on some stupid limit to two hours or whatever a day on the computer. My life isn't fair, God isn't fair, and I just feel like a complete recluse. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I don't want to feel like God put me here on earth to give others an example! To teach them to be kind to others, because you don't know when your cruel actions are going to be someone's death. I don't want to feel like dying would be better then living anymore. And I don't want nobody to understand me! I want a real friend who won't leave me once they read this and think I'm some kind of physco! I don't want to be anti-social, but I want my space. And I just wish...I wish God would stop it. I wish he would just stop controlling my life. And I wish I knew I was strong enough, physically and mentally, to handle all of his torture.

And I want people to care when they read this.

Miss. Meggin

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