I am adapted. But not adapted enought to refrain from being a DITZ!
written at 2:44 pm on Thursday, Jul. 17, 2003

Oh God. It isn't near being over.

I hate depression. It is my arch enemy. But it's also comforting. I wouldn't expect anyone who doesn't have depression to understand. But today, I was really upset in summer phys ed. We were just sitting around play cards and they "forgot" to deal me in. So I said, "Oh that's okay!" and headed for the bathroom, and inside, I made this list. It was stupid, and what is even more stupid is that I gave almost everyone at summer phys ed this site address. But I vowed to be honest, so here goes:

PEOPLE WHO ONLY PRETEND TO LIKE ME:
1.) Kara
2.) Jacob
3.) Chris
4.) My family
5.) Sarah
6.) Dale

How pathetic is that? But it's strange, you know? Almost like writing it down and facing the facts made it better that no one here likes me. But it was a sad attempt. Now, a few hours later, I am feeling just as miserable.

God, I wish I could go back in time. I wish I didn't give this address to them. What the Hell was I thinking? There is no way I want sympathy from them. Or is it the opposite? Maybe I just don't want them to think I'm a freak. And how impossible that will be. I mean, even if I can hide the fact that I have depression, it will look like I'm moody and stuck-up. I am NOT moody. I am hurt by others and therefore react in a way that may not be similiar to how I have been acting. And people have that right to say I'm moody? It's not moody. It's adapted. I'm adapted. But any ass can fart an opinion, and the majority agreed that I am a freak. God, I can't even imagine what they'll think when they read this. If they do. And if they do visit, I hope they tell me. I would hate for them to know without me knowing.

And of course after reading my most inner thoughts, they'll label me even more. Trust me. Those people spit out labels like they breathe air. And I didn't even think about all those entries on depression I wrote and how they would react when they read them. I just thought, "Wow. I love this pink pen. And my handwriting rocks. I think I'll write my site address!" I didn't even dip into a deep psychological reflection, like I should have. I didn't think about the consequences.

I am such a ditz.

I hate myself.

Miss. Meggin

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